Mannerisms

After an unwarily large consumption of Sauvignon Blanc at lunchtime, I had flopped into the sea forgetting that my mobile was in the pocket of my swimming trunks.

One feels a right chump at these moments. The others on the beach got a good laugh out of it.

I dried it out for three days before switching it on. But it was not to be. Dead as a Dodo.

I have to say the SIM card survived intact which is a tribute to the excellent manufacturing skills of Gemplus.

Consoling myself that I could, at least, now justify getting a 3G phone with Bluetooth, removable storage and a USB port, I set off down Sutton High Street to the multitude of mobile phone shops.

Returning to the office with my prize, I failed to excite admiration or envy because the damn thing won’t ring when called. All calls are forwarded to the answering service.

I read the manual. I fiddled. Others in the office, engineers all, suggested various solutions. None worked.

Eventually we gave in and called Mr Guru. The Mr G. from IS. He fiddled impressively before giving up.

So back down the High Street I go feeling a right Charlie.

The guy in the shop laughs. “I had that on my 3G phone”, he says, “ it’s the settings. If it’s set to UMTS all the calls go to voice mail. To get it to ring you have to have it set on GSM.”

Does it say that on the box? No. Does it say that in the manual? No. So how on earth is the poor old consumer ever going to get the thing to work?

By tearing his hair out, swearing a lot, hating all things high-tech, and trudging off back to the shop feeling silly.

Now is that fair?