Ed Gets Done For Sexual Harassment

'The VCs want this kept under wraps, as it's so close to the IPO, so they've suggested we bung her £50,000 to keep her quiet. We have to hold an EGM for the board to approve the payment. Also the board have got hold of some bills for giving her dinner and are kicking up over my expensing them.'

'At the EGM I explain to the board that the dinners were an extension of the training process and could properly be charged as expenses.'

'"Look at this one £400. How on earth could you spend £400 on dinner for two?" asked the CFO.'

'"Well we went to Maze and had the tasting menu and she wanted Bordeaux and we had a bottle of Cos - only a second growth," I tried to make a joke of it.'

'"You took her to Maze and had a £200 bottle of claret and charged it to the company as a legitimate business expense?" asked the CFO.'

'"Well, Yes" . . . I say.'

'"And then, when you get outside, you try and snog her on the pavement in Grosvenor Square?"'

"Well, Yes, I thought . . . . "

'"You thought after a £400 dinner she should snog you," raged the CFO, "Ed, you're the biggest bloody idiot on the planet. I suppose we'll have to approve the £50k hush money, but you'll bloody pay those dinner bills yourself. And I'll find a way to keep £50k back from what you're owed from the proceeds of the IPO."'

'Oh well', Ed moans to his diary, 'only 67 days to go to the IPO and then I'm out of here as loaded as a Sauciehall Street drunk on a Saturday night.'