Ed Institutes A Bag Search

‘My exercise with the spy microphones has taught me one thing – there is widespread disloyalty in the company,’ Ed confides to his diary, ‘the conversations I picked up show antipathy to our private equity owners and hostility to me personally.’

‘I can understand the dislike of our owners,’ adds Ed, ‘in fact I share it. The private equity scumbags – aka our ‘sponsors’ as they tell us to call them – have put such a debt burden on the company that we can’t  invest in exciting, risky, high-growth potential projects – and exciting, risky, high-growth potential projects are what our engineers want to be doing.’

‘So we all hate the owners – they are interested only in money and not the long-term health of the company – but I was hurt to hear that the employees have so much disdain for me. Maybe they associate me with the owners.’

‘Anyway, knowing as I now do, that disloyalty is rampant in the company, I am instigating pro-active measures to nip it in the bud. All bags and briefcases will be searched both coming in and going out of the offices. If the employees don’t trust me, I won’t trust them.’

A few days later, the diary reads: ‘One of the journo blogger reptiles has come out with the story that we trust our employees so little that we monitor their personal belongings.’

Next day’s entry reads: ‘A Brat rang asking me if I was harming recruitment prospects and the company’s reputation. I told him there was no sign of it.’

A couple of days later, Ed writes: ‘Disaster has struck. One of the board members of our private equity owners, who came in to see me, had his bag searched on the way out. My PA, now ex-PA, should have made sure this didn’t happen. My name is now mud with the owners’ board.’

‘I call in the Head of Security. “Stop the bag searches,” I tell him.’

‘”We already have – pretty much,” says HoS.’


‘”Because no one’s bringing bags in anymore – except that angry red-faced bloke last week,” replies the Head of Security referring, no doubt, to the PE board member, “my fellows are hanging around doing nothing most of the time. That’s why they pounced on the angry guy last week just to have something to do. ”’

‘Shit Oh double shit,’ Ed confides to his diary, ‘roll on, hopefully, my $25 mill.’











  1. You made me laugh out loud Jock, thanks for that. This has been such a ghastly saga, but I expect your beloved sponsors will get their pound of flesh in the form of fees even if everything goes wrong.

  2. The latest big thing in PE land is interns. Cut engineers to the bone and beyond. Done. Cut salaries. Done. Cut R&D. Done. Now the place is swarming with enthusiastic (and occasionally cute) interns whom the sponsors plan to replace us with over the coming years. The finance and banking sectors are full of Ruperts just out of university. What can possibly go wrong?

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