Ed Fires The CHRO
‘The Brats are pushing for another C-level execution,’ Ed confides to his diary. The Brats are his name for the 20-something year-old super-sharpies who monitor his company for its private equity owners.
The Brats have insisted that Ed sack all his C-level execs as an exercise in making his execs work harder, boosting motivation, bringing in fresh blood and generally generating FUD.
The CIO and CMO have already felt the axe. ‘I’m picking off the low-hanging fruit first’, writes Ed, ‘the softies who’ll go quietly. Can’t imagine why I didn’t think of the HR girl first. Thing is I don’t really think of her as C-level but now I remember it our compliance people insisted that she be made a C-level with the bolloxy title of Chief Human Relations Officer. OK wheel her in for the heave-ho.’
Next day’s entry reads: ‘Had the CHRO in today. Had primed my secretary to have a Counsellor waiting outside to take care of the ex-CHRO. Geared myself up to withstand the blubbing. Delivered the bad news.’
‘Next thing I know, her blouse seemed to have opened another two buttons and she’s leaning over my desk displaying a brace of tanned bouncers saying: “I’ll do anything, anything you want to keep my job”.’
‘Well as Lyndon Baines Johnson 36th President of the USA once opined: “Never miss an opportunity to get laid or take a piss”. So I said to the CHRO: “Come round here and show me your commitment to the company.” I rolled my chair back from the desk and unzipped..’
‘It was an impressive performance,’ writes Ed, ‘I’d rate it an A minus. After it’s over the CHRO says smiling: “So I get to keep my job now?”‘
‘No, sweetie, you’re out of this company as of right now,’ I told her, ‘don’t bother coming in tomorrow. Security already has orders to bar you from entry to all company premises”.’
‘”You bastard. You utter shit. I’ll have you for assault. For rape. You won’t get away with this”, says the CHRO.
‘”Everything that happens in this office is recorded on camera,” I told the CHRO, “I don’t think the video will show that anything you did was not consensual and was not, in fact, anything other than rather enthusiastic”.’
‘Then came the tears,’ writes Ed, ‘the ex-CHRO stumbled out. Roll on my $25 mill.’