Ed Tries To Sack The CFO

‘I’m leaving the CMO till last because he’s a big fiery Scottish bloke and I know he’s going to lose his temper and hit me,’ Ed confides to his diary.

The private equity firm which owns his company has told him to replace all the C-Class execs as a way to bring fresh blood, energy and thinking into the company.


‘So that leaves the CFO, CLO, COO and CSO to sack before I have to deal with the CMO. I’m surprised they haven’t rumbled what’s going on,’ muses Ed, ‘I think the next easiest to fire will be the CFO – typical anal accountant type – well used to being bullied.’


A few days later the entry reads: ‘Sacked the CFO today. He just sat there blinking like a bloody owl then said quietly: “Of course I shall have to report what goes on here to the Institute”.’


‘”What bloody Institute?” I ask him.’


‘”The Institute of Chartered Accountants,” replies the worm, “they take a dim view of some of the practices we employ in this company”.’


‘”Well you’re responsible for them,” I tell him.’


‘”Only under the direct orders of the board – I’ve got documentation that shows  every questionable practice was mandated by the board,” replies the worm, “I merely implemented their orders having expressed my reservations about the practices”.’


‘Where’s this documentation?” I ask.’


‘”Somewhere safe,” replies the worm, ‘I expect the Institute will order an investigation when they see my report.’


‘”Don’t do anything,” I tell the worm, “we don’t want you to go. That was just a stratagem to get you to re-think some of the parameters of your role. You’re a valued member of the team”.’


‘After the ex-CFO, now re-instated CFO, leaves my office I ring The Brats,’ (Ed’s name for the 20-something year-old super-sharpies who monitor his company for its private equity owners.


‘”Ed, Ed,” replies A Brat patronisingly, “you don’t have to formally fire them all – ease ’em out. Make life hell for them. Undermine them. De-perk them. Just be plain nasty to them until they push off. You should be good at that”.’


‘So no more Mr Nice Guy’ Ed tells his diary, ‘roll on my $25 mill.’

Tags: brats, private equity firm

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  1. Dr Bob
    September 26, 2012 13:01

    If Ed had problems with the CFO just wait ’til he tries something with CLO.
    The CMO will probably just say “Stitch this Jimmy”

  2. David Manners
    September 25, 2012 20:16

    Crikey Bitter, not sure I’d want that. I see Ed as more of a bad-tempered mangy cur than my bitch.But even bad-tempered mangy curs deserve the odd bone.

  3. Bitter
    September 25, 2012 20:02

    No worries David, Ed will be your b1tch after he gets royally screwed by the Brats, and of course, then he will accept any bread crumbs thrown his way.

  4. David Manners
    September 25, 2012 19:45

    Thanks, Anonymous, looks good

  5. Anonymous
    September 25, 2012 17:37

    Here’s another one, if you haven’t watched it:

  6. David Manners
    September 25, 2012 13:45

    Thanks Victor Meldrew, and thanks for this recommendation which I’d not heard of before. I’ve ordered a copy from Amazon.

  7. David Manners
    September 25, 2012 13:25

    Chief Legal officer and Chief Strategy Officer [Anonymous]

  8. Anonymous
    September 25, 2012 12:27

    CLO and CSO ?

  9. Victor Meldrew
    September 25, 2012 11:55

    I’d buy your book David. Mind you, it does fit into the same category as “Who moved my Blackberry” by Lucy Kellaway … and that gives me shudders of recollection from the time the new HR VP at ARC rolled out the “Who moved my cheese” program.

  10. David Manners
    September 25, 2012 08:56

    That’s a good idea, Bitter, but would Ed agree? i don’t fancy getting on the wrong side of Ed.

  11. Bitter
    September 25, 2012 07:23

    Soon there will be a new hot seller book on Amazon:
    “Interview with a serial CEO”
    By D.M.

  12. Lefty Goldblatt
    September 24, 2012 17:03

    Ed will never get his $25 mil. Th ebrats will load up the company with debt and do a Trident Semi on his ass.

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