Ed’s Growth Wheeze
‘We’ve come up with a good wheeze for getting growth,’ Ed confides to his diary, ‘we’ve set up a duff lead-time and pricing site which looks as if it’s independent but actually gives prices and lead-times which are disadvantageous to our competitors.’
Ed has been told by his company’s private equity owners that it’s growth or the chop for him, and he’s trying every which way to grow sales.
‘Also we’ve found a way to divert traffic from genuine lead-time/price list sites – like the disties have – and get the traffic sent to the duff site,’ adds Ed, ‘it’s already having an effect on our sales. Customers see a shitty lead-time or high price on the duff site, then they see our better lead-times and prices and order our parts.’
‘We’re not going to get away with this for long’, writes Ed, ‘but it’s lovely while it lasts. The trick is to make sure that, when the whole thing blows up, no one can connect the duff site with us.’
‘The guys operating the site in Estonia all think they’re working for Avrow, the distie,’ writes Ed, ‘there’s only one guy in the know – the guy who feeds the numbers across – and he’s going to have an accident when the balloon goes up.’
‘One of The Brats phoned today,’ says Ed, referring to the 20-something-year-old super-sharpies who monitor his company for its private equity owners.
‘”Your analogue sales are trending up while the market’s trending down,” said The Brat, “how do you account for that?”
‘”Improved product mix,” I tell him, “better targeted sales efforts, improved high-level OEM relationships following my visits to key customers”.
‘All total bollox of course,’ writes Ed, ‘but roll on my $25 mill.’