Election Woes For Ed

Thank God I’m Baron Shoreditch, member-for-life of the House of Lords, and not obliged to go off grubbing for votes like most of my Cabinet colleagues, Ed confides to his diary.

Thank God I’m Baron Shoreditch, member-for-life of the House of Lords, and not obliged to go off grubbing for votes like most of my Cabinet colleagues, Ed confides to his diary.

The general election news has caused chaos, consternation and confusion. A lot of us secretly think the PM will get a bloody nose because the electorate punish leaders who call unnecessary elections.

My Cabinet colleagues in the Commons spent the weekend in their constituencies and were told that the hoi polloi are not sympathetic to the PM.

Meanwhile she has destroyed her image as the vicar’s daughter whose word is her bond, who doesn’t play political games and who puts country before party.

The niggle for me is that there’s sure to be a Cabinet re-shuffle after the election and I could be out of office before I’ve finished feathering my post-Ministerial nest.

I’ve made sure that No.10 recognises my unique position as the government’s interface with the Californian tech giants to whom I’ve promised all sorts of post-Brexit unregulated and untaxed goodies.

I was always hoping I would get a non-exec directorship with one of them, but if I’m kicked out pre-Brexit, I won’t be able to deliver enough to have much chance of that.

I will have to suck up to No.10.

I summon up the Permanent Secretary.

“Get a list drawn up of all the foreign tech investments and likely tech investments and even the unlikely tech investments happening in the country,” I tell the PS, “and when you’ve got it bung it round to No.10 with an offer that I’ll go on the electoral stump to show how successful post-Brexit Britain will be with big-bucks foreigners clamouring to invest.”

“Certainly Secretary of State.”

Getting my head up No.10’s bum is my focus for the next seven weeks.

 


Comments

One comment

  1. perhaps Ed should look across the pond and embrace the title Baron Greenback

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